Bibliotherapy

I recently went to a self-reliance seminar that had a great class about helping to instill confidence and self esteem in your children.  The instructor is a counselor in a local school district and has worked with kids for years.  She presented a great lesson, followed by some excellent handouts.  This particular handout focuses on using books to help teach (with some excellent recommendations if you or your child are struggling with a specific scenario).

What is Bibliotherapy?

According to Wikipedia.org, "bibliotherapy" is an expressive therapy that uses an individual's relationship to the content of books and poetry and other written words as therapy.

Bibliotherapy is an old concept in library science.  In the U.S.it is documented as dating back to the 1930s.  The basic concept behind bibliotherapy is that reading is a healing experience.  It was applied to both general practice and medical care, especially after WWII, because the soldiers had a lot of time on their hands while recuperating.

At its most basic, bibliotherapy consists of the selection of reading material that has relevance to that person's life situation.  The idea of bibliotherapy seems to have grown naturally from the human inclination to identify with others through their expressions in literature and art.  The concept of bibliotherapy has widened over time, to include self help manuals for adults.  Still, the phrase is most often used in reference to children.

Bibliotherapy can give children the confidence they need to deal with anything that comes their way.  It also gives parents an opportunity to discuss it with their children and find out what is going on.  Bibliotherapy can consist solely of reading, or it can be complemented with discussion or play activity.  A child might be asked to draw a scene from the book or asked whether commonality is felt with a particular character in the book.  The book can be used to draw out a child on a subjuect she/he has been hesitant to discuss.

Basically, bibliotherapy can be a way for parents to open communication with children about problems their children may be having.  Books chosen for bibliotherapy should be developmentally appropriate for the child and shared with the child in a caring way.

In my opinion, reading scriptures is the highest form of bibliotherapy!!  Certain stories either told or read in the scriptures can be "likened" to our own children's experiences (see 1 Nephi 19:23).  Other resources for bibliotherapy may include personal histories of ancestors or often told stories about meaningful experiences that family members have had, etc.  You may already have been using bibliotherapy in your family and didn't even know what it was!!

Here are some book titles that are recommended for certain scenarios (along with a link so you can look them over at Amazon.com).

Anxiety / Fear

You've Got Dragons, by Kathryn Cave

Wemberly Worried, by Kevin Henkes (kids refusing school)

The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn (kids refusing school)

Smile a Lot, by Nancy Carlson (school problems)

Thank You, Mr. Falkner, by Patricia Polacco (learning disability)

What if the Shark Wears Tennis Shoes?, by Winifred Morris

The Knight Who Was Afraid of the Dark, by Barbara Hazen

Anger

What are You so Grumpy About?, by Tom Lichtenheld

If You're Angry and You Know It, by Cecily Kaiser

When I Feel Angry, by Cornelia Maude Spelman

Andrew's Angry Words, by Dorothea Lachner

Feeling Angry, by Althea Braithwaite

I'm Not Going to Chase the Cat Today, by Jessica Harper

When Sophie Gets Angry - Really, Really Angry, by Molly Bang

Alex and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst

Bullying / Friendships

How to Lose All Your Friends, by Nancy Carlson

Some Dogs Do, by Jez Alborough

Charlie the Caterpillar, by Dom De Luise

A Bad Case of Stripes, by David Shannon

King of the Playground, by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

My Rotten Redheaded Older Brother, by Patricia Polacco

I Like Myself!, by Karen Beaumont

Feelings

Today I Feel Silly & Other Moods That Make My Day, by Jamie Lee Curtis

How Are You Peeling?  Foods With Moods, by Saxton Freyman & Joost Elffers

My Many Colored Days, by Dr. Seuss

The Feelings Book, by Todd Parr

Honesty / Tattling

Ruthie and the Not So Teeny Tiny Lie, by Lara Rankin

Edward Fudwupper Fibbed Big, by Berkeley Breathed

Don't Squeal Unless It's a Big Deal, by Jeanie Franz, Ransom

Tattlin' Madeline, by Carol Cummings

A Bad Case of Tattle Tongue, by Julia Cook

Miscellaneous

The Dog Poop Initiative, by Kirk Weisler (boy taking initiative)

The Paper Bag Princess, by Robert Munsch & Michael Martchenko (assertive girl)

Queen Bees and Wannabes, by Rosalind Wisement (for teenage girls)

The Feeling Good Handbook, by David D. Burns, M.D.

**Patrick K. Hallinan has a whole series of social skills books for very yound children called: My first Day of School, My Teacher's My Friend, That's What a Friend Is, etc.

**Cheri J. Meiners has a whole series of social skills books for young children called: Listen, Follow Instructions, Share and Take Turns, Talk and Work it Out, I'm Afraid, etc.

Personally, we read a lot at our house, and I am excited to try some of these books I haven't heard of before.  I'd love feedback if any of you have great book recommendations!

Your Name = Something Positive

This is such an important concept.
One that I think is terribly underlooked by parents everywhere.

Let's start with a story:
I went to visit a friend, and noticed her kids playing in the backyard.
I wanted to say hello, so I went out and called one of them by name.

Instantly, the child's head shrunk into his shoulders, and he had a terrified look on his face (you know, that 'body language' your kids always do when they know they are in trouble).

I took the next minute or so reassuring him that I just wanted to say hello and that he hadn't done anything wrong.

The point?
He was so used to hearing "DAVID!" every time he got into trouble that he was associating his name with something negative.

It should be exactly the opposite:

Name = Positive
A name is the word we use to represent ourselves and others.
You want your child to think of their name as a positive representation, rather than a negative one.

Here's How:

* Don't use your child's name repeatedly:
For example: "Cannon, can you bring that to me?  Go sit down Cannon.  Come here Cannon.  Cannon, leave it alone.  Not right now Cannon.  Cannon, don't ignore me!  Cannon, Cannon, Cannon! (You get the idea).

Whether it is to get their attention or to discipline, most phrases can be used without adding their name to it.  You can just as easily say, "Hey, I'm talking to you, please listen to me".

Also, their name will lose meaning if that is what he/she continually hears (ever wonder why you have to call them by name 15 times, getting louder each time, before they respond?)  It's because you use their name repeatedly.

* Try to avoid using their name for discipline
For example: "Cannon Aaron Denna get back here NOW!"
Every time you do this, your child associates his name with trouble.
Meaning: their name = a negative experience.
Just as before, it is just as effective without the name.

And finally,

* Use your child's name when praising them
For example: "Good Job Cannon!"
If you do this, your child will associate his name with positive experiences, and most importantly, will associate his name with feeling success.

3 Things that Determine your Child's Behavior

This is another great 'rule' of child behavior.

I consider this a good wake up call for parents.
I believe every child has behavior problems at some point.
Realizing that your child has behavior issues is one thing - taking responsibility for them is something completely different.

This principle goes in line with some of the previous posts I have written on child behavior, so in a way it is a recap.
(Once again, this information was given to me from a child behavior specialist; my friend Marsha Lima).


Just keep this in mind the next time your kid acts out:

There are 3 things a parent can do that will determine how their child is going to behave.

These are how they present, react, and respond to their kids.

* Presentation:
*How do you present things to your children?
Are you using the appropriate words? (Asking vs. Telling)
Do your order or demand?
Are you respectful?

* Reaction:
What is your reaction to things that they do?
Are you quick to judge?
Are you understanding?
Are you responding to the first positive sign of communication?

* Response:
How do you respond to your children?
Are you kind?
Do you yell?
Do you mean what you say?

The more I have thought about how these things, the more I am able to discern what I need to work on.
There is always room for improvement.

Mean What You Say

This is another classic rule of parenting from my friend Marsha Lima that will greatly help with the behavior of your child.

Mean what you say

This sounds simple enough.
Until you actually start to pay attention to what you are saying, and whether or not you are acutally doing it.

When I first started paying attention to what I was saying, I noticed that I would constantly change my mind.
If Cannon would continually ask me for apple juice instead of water, I would finally give in - because it didn't seem worth it over something so tirivial.

In reality, all it taught him was that if he bugs me long enough, he'll get what he wants eventually.

Another common example would be false threats.
Something like: "if you don't finish your dinner you are going straight to bed".
Or "stop acting like that or we are going home" (my personal favorite).
How often do they NOT finish their dinner and end up NOT going to bed,
or continue to act out but dont have to go home?

Take the time to show your kids that you are serious.
Another example: letting your child simply ignore you.
One of the best things that Marsha has taught me is that
your words need to mean something.

If you are talking to your child, jokingly/lovinlgly/seriously; do it with purpose.

If they ignore you; even if they simply don't hear you, it is important to get their attention, say it again, and of course - mean what you say.

Letting your child ignore you, subconsciously or not, starts the process of them being able to "block you out".

Which of course brings up another good point: your actions have to match your words.
This is a hard one for me, and I would assume a lot of parents by what I've observed.
It is much easier to keep repeating: "don't touch that", over and over again, louder and louder, until your child finally graps the concept.

Instead, mean what you say; rather than repeating it (which again teaches them to block you out), physically help them to do whatever it is you are saying.
Marsha says that this is so hard for parents, because it requires them to actually move.  Start paying attention... you'll find that she is dead on.

Realistically, why is it so important to mean what you say?
Every time you say something to your child, then end up changing your mind, you give them the impression that they have the ability to alter what happens.
This can easily explain tantrums, tears, and everything in between.

Another important thing you might notice is that you aren't really thinking before you respond.
There have been so many times that Cannon has asked me for something, and I will instinctively anwer "no" or "yes", without thinking.
I will then notice that it is 5 o'clock, almost time for dinner, and I just agreed to give him a snack.
Does this happen to anybody else?
It is not fair to your kids that they have to suffer because of your mistakes.
Thinking first about what I am about to say is something I am constantly trying to work on.
All in all, for me, this rule of behavior has been extremely helpful in getting my kids to obey.
Obviously I am still a work in progress, but the more I start to actively mean what I say, the more my kids realize that that's the way it is.

Which of course can work both ways.
Don't think of this only as a disciplinary rule.
When I tell Cannon to do something, I make sure that he know's that I mean it.
However, when I tell my kids that I love them, I try and make them understand that I really do.

Hopefully someone out there can make sense of my madness... I am obviously not as good at explaining as I want to be.

Asking vs. Telling

This is a simple principle that can make a world of difference...

and it's all about presentation.

The way you present things to your child determines how they are going to react.

In each situation you are either asking them to do something, or telling them.

It is really important that you get it right the first time, and don't switch between the two.

* Rule #1: If you don't care, ask

Anytime you ask your child to do something, you are giving them the option to say 'no'

For example: "Do you want to wear your coat?"

* Rule #2: If you do care, tell

If 'no' isn't an option, don't ask.

For example: "Please put your coat on."

* Rule #3: Respect their answer

If you give your child the option, and they tell you 'no', don't make them do it.

You would simply be punishing them for your inability to present something correctly.

Giving them the option, then taking it away, is completely disrepectful to your child.

Say the correct thing from the beginning, and mean what you say.

* Rule #4: Don't abuse your privileges

Treat your child with respect.

Don't turn them into your personal slave by not providing options just to get them to do everything and anything you want.

Ask them to do things that aren't required: "Can you throw this away for me?"

If they do it, thank and congratulate them for being a big helper.

If they say no, respect their answer.  Don't hold it above their head and act disappointed.

Tell them to do things that are required: "You need to brush your teeth now."

Remember to say thank you.

I hope you find a way to incorporate these principles into your parenting.  It has made a huge difference for me personally, and I have definitely seen the improvement in my kids behavior.

Personally, I have notced a HUGE difference in Cannon's reaction when using these rules.
When he first started saying no when I asked him to do things, I think he felt unsure of himself - not knowing if I was going to be upset or not.
I tried to respond with a care-free attitude, saying something like "okay, I'll do it".

Since he has discovered that he actually has a choice, he is much more willing to help out.
Most of the time he will literally thank me for handing him Lincolns dirty diaper after he agrees to throw it away.
I believe strongly that giving your child respect makes their confidence grow, and I have found that to work wonders when using this simple rule.

Happy Parenting!

Respond to the First Positive Communication

Have you ever seen those kids that just walk up to their parent and slap them to get their attention?

Has your kid ever done that to you?

Or maybe they just continue to say your name over and over and over again?

Pretty annoying, right?

Now, did you ever think that the child is doing that because the parent trained them to?

Think of it from a childs perspective.

They walk up to a parent and say "mom"

Mom says: "just a second".

They come back with a louder "MOM".

Mom says "hold on please".

The child continues saying 'mom'.

Maybe he starts shaking his mothers arm or leg.

He keeps getting louder and more obnoxious in his guestures.

(Is this sounding familiar?)

And finally, mom responds:

"WHAT?"

As a kid, you recognize that the only way to really get mom's attention is to poke, prod, yell and throw a tantrum.

Eventually mom will respond.

The problem: mom is responding to a negative form of communication.

The objective:

 Respond to the First Positive Communication,

so your child doesn't have to resort to negative.

Look and listen for signs of communication, especially in younger children.

Some examples of communication:

- Your child is looking at you, waiting for a reaction

- Your child is whining or crying, but using words (crying out mommy, etc.)  This is a lot different than simply screaming/crying.

- Child slaps, hits or yells to get your attention.

If you take the time to respond to the first possitive communication, you are teaching your child that that is the appropriate way to interact.

Which means it is equally important not to respond to negative signs of communication, becuase that is teaching your child the exact opposite.

The argument might be that mom did respond.

But again, thinking from a kid's perspective, "just a second" and "hold on please" don't mean anything.

Unless your child has a firm understanding of time, with the knowledge of what 'waiting/patience' means, along with the ability to actually do it, you aren't getting through.

I am also not saying that those phrases should never be used.

Mom's need alone time too, and can't just give their undivided attention whenever their children want.

The point is, you have to actually teach your child what you want them to do.

You have to teach them how to wait, which will probably be difficult.

Or, you can teach them about time:

The concept of time is hard for kids to wrap their minds around, so you must find a way to make time tangible (try using a timer).

You can easily teach a child that when the timer 'beeps', mommy can help you.

Start with 30 seconds (that is still a long time for a child to sit still).

Eventually you will be able to work your way up to longer periods of time.

Timers also help keep you honest.  Because realistically, most of the time "just a minute" turns out to be much much longer than that.

Guidelines for Child Behavior Improvement

This is the first of several Child Behavior Posts to come.
As I mentioned before, all of these principles were taught to me by my good friend, Marsha Lima.
This is simply my attempt to share what I believe to be amazing parental information with anyone who is interested.
Enjoy!

Basic Guidelines for Behavior Improvement

In nearly EVERY situation there are 3 guidelines that can be used to help improve your child's behavior.

Once these have been implemented into your daily routine, specific 'rules' can be added to work on individual situations and to improve the overall progress of your child's behavior.

(These rules will be discussed in upcoming posts)

The 3 guidelines are:

1) Know what YOU want

2) The 'Yes' Mode

3) First this - Then that

#1: Know what you want

Most of the time, your child know's exactly what he wants.

You need to know what YOU want.

Think of a situation where your child often acts out of line; ie: screaming in the middle of church, running away when you try to change a diaper, complaining about not wanting to brush teeth, etc.

You need to know specifically what you want to have happen in that situation.

Ask yourself: What do I want _______ to be like?

(What do I want church / diaper changes / bedtime to be like?)

Do not concentrate on the "dont's".  Ie: "I don't want Cannon to throw a fit".

Knowing what you don't want doesn't necessarily mean you know what you do want, so be specific.

Ie: I want Cannon to sit down quietly and eat.

If you know exactly what you want, you are on the right track of getting your child to actually DO it.

If you focus on what you don't want, you are unaware of what you are trying to get your child to do.

#2: The 'Yes' Mode

Once you know what you want, you need to get your child into the 'yes' mode, so he/she will be willing to cooperate.

This is when you figure out what your child wants.

Be specific.

Don't ask "what do you want?"

Ask Yes/No questions:

- Do you want to get down?, - Do you want to play with your toy?, etc.

Once they have answered 'yes', they are in the yes mode.

So... now you know exactly what YOU want, and exactly what THEY want.

#3: First This - Then That

Once you have gotten your child into the 'yes' mode, this strategy helps them willingly accomplish what it is you would like them to do.

For example:

"Do you want to go outside?"

"Yes"

"Okay.  First we need to finish lunch"

It is really important that you say the work "okay" before you tell them what they need to do.

This assures your child that you are agreeing to give them what they want.

Then you tell them what they need to do first.

This gives your child the choice.

Just remember: if they don't give you what you want, they don't get what they want.

Soon enough they will realize that they get what they want only after they do what you ask. 

Don't expect this to work right away, because I can guarantee that it wont!
When I first started doing this with Cannon it literally took me over an hour to even get him into the 'yes' mode.
Especially in the beginning stages, everything you are doing is going to be new to your child, and that in and of itself is going to throw them for a loop.
Be consistant, and don't give in.
Anything worth while is going to take work.

Even after I was able to get Cannon to cooperate, it took a few days for him to realize that this was the new way things were going to be handled.

Breaking habits are much harder than forming them, and that it what you are going to be doing for the first little while.

Some important things to remember:

- The whole point is to let your child make the decision.

If he decides to do it, he will do it without force (not always willingly, but he will do it).

Ideally, both you and your child get what they want, so everybody wins.

- Your kid is going to do EVERYTHING he can think of to stretch your limits and find a weak link.

Don't give up!

They will catch on soon enough and it will be so much better after that!

- Also, if it isn't an option, don't offer it as one.

If they can see that the family is packing up to go out the door and you say something like "finish your dinner or you are staying home", be prepared to stay home!

Kids are smart enough to know if you mean it or not.

False threats are only going to set you in the opposite direction.

Finally, start small.

Think of one situation at a time to work on, and move up from there.

I hope this was helpful.

It really is much harder to explain without being able to talk back and forth, but I use this strategy every day of my life, and it really works!.

Please please please feel free to ask if you have any questions!

Now go teach some behavior improvement skills!

An Introduction to Child Behavior Notes

We have an amazing family friend named Marsha Lima.
She is a child behavior specialist (my husband calls her the 'Chid Whisperer').
Truly, she is amazing.

She has over 40 years of experience working with children.
Any parenting/behavior question I may have, she is sure to have an answer.

And the best part? It always works. Always.

I was lucky enough to get to work with her when Cannon was with Kids on the Move, and now we get to have her again!
Different children, different problems, and she teaches the same principles.

I just love it.

I began (literally) taking notes from her years ago.
Attending her class was one of the best things I've done as a mother.
She is not interested in writing a book (or writing anything down for that matter), but I need that sort of thing to remember.

And so... I am going to be writing posts on some of her
basic principles of child behavior.

All of which I have tried, personally, and found them to work.

My hope is that they will help in whatever situation you may encounter with your kids!

I am a firm believer that children can be molded into whatever we want them to be (not in a bad way).
Most of the time they act a certain way because we, as parents, are teaching them to do so (subconsciously or not).
Everything she has taught me has made major improvements in my parenting skills.

My biggest disclaimer in writing about any of these is that it may portray me to be somewhat of an expert, and I am not!

I want that to be perfectly clear before I even begin.

All of these ideas are from my friend Marsha - I will simply be writing about my personal experiences and how they have helped me.

They truly have been a remarkable blessing in my life as a mother.

I have decided to write one post per week (on Monday's) focusing on individual rules/principles that she has taught me, so check back in a few days for the first one!

Make it a great day!